Tuesday, September 28, 2010

On Writing.

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Writing, in and of itself, is nothing.
Writing, in and of itself, is everything.
Writing, in and of itself, is enough.
Writing, in and of itself, can never be enough.

Writing, in and of itself, is the one truly human act of creation.

An unlettered child can sing and make music. An untutored child can draw or paint a picture. But to write requires mastery, the drawing together of language, logic and rhetoric in the flow of thoughts and ideas, streams of consciousness, poetic metre and prosaic rhythm. To write requires a consciousness beyond the self, beyond the itch and scratch of animal need, beyond the demotic prosody of circumstance; beyond the fixations of a fevered mind, the obsessive ordering of black and white, the chicken scratchings on white vellum that betray a mind too narrow and too cluttered.

Yet writing, in and of itself, is destruction, a crucifixion, the nailing of bloodied words to the white and plastic page. The deaths of endless possibilities lies cold and grim 'neath the gravid wealth of words. At twelve minutes past four in the morning I lie, sleepless and uncomfortable. I press old hands against tired eyes. Words and ideas form in flashes of green and blue, exploding like raindrops on a slate roof, their vital water running into dark gutters, sluiced into oblivion. Unless I rise and write they'll slip away, stripping meaning from my mind in shreds and shards, pouring the endless flow of babble and cant into the darkness.

Yet to rummage in the cluttered drawers of self-regard and bathos does not constitute writing. For something further demands itself. A net of meaning that strains our glittering thoughts from the air, a lacework web of hooks that catches the mind of another, and another. Writing is more than typing or calligraphy. It links pure spirits, one to another. Successful writing, like true magic, calls spirits together.

And in that meeting something more is spawned. Living things are formed and shape themselves, drawing light and breath and existence from the ether. From the play of words, from style and substance, chirp and charm, from word and meme and memory. And we must create ourselves with the net, with the lacework tale, the story of our self and our words, or else disappear, fade like fog in wisps and whispers, vanish like love in tears and tantrums.

For if writing is the one truly human act of creation, then all writing springs from love. From the cleaving of separate selves from the All and One, from the cleaving together of kindred spirits. Sentences spring to bridge the gap elastic, stretching out to one another, drawing us in each to the other. Love calls forth and we must answer. The urge to be, to unite, to be known is unanswerable, more demanding and more stern than any mistress. A love of self that is truly selfless, the love for another that is our truest self, our most honest need and gravest weakness.

Our words we weave to bridge the unbridgeable. Bright phrases bubble in the dark, spreading light in flashing smiles. Turns of phrase return and turn again. Rare words like lepidoptera open sunlit wings, winking with false eyes. The juggle of wit and the gaudy display of learning conspire in secret falsehoods, inviting and ever misconstrued. We tell our lies in one another's heads. And on we write or like the circling shark die of lost momentum and petered-out thoughts, of loves lost and little princes found. The sandalled footprint of childish wisdom disappears into the desert of silence. The eye that reads blinks once and we are gone. Our words fade from the virgin page, restoring virtue in perfect punctuation.

To write is to exist.
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Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Mid-Election Special!!

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A RAT IN THE RANKS?

Deep in the gothic bowels of the castle, surrounded by the shadows of electoral gloom, two figures work feverishly over a grey slab. On the slab, lit by the weird glow of tuge banks of switches and dials set into the wall, lies a grotesque effigy. A gruesome corpse apparently made of a patchwork of twisted limbs and inhuman features. Across it's scarred torso lies a sash with the words "Federal Election 2010" emblazoned.

"OK Igor, throw the switch... NOW!"

The switch crashes down under the hunchbacked figure's hands. A searing bolt of lightning crashes down from above, throwing the monster on the slab into convulsions.

"Enough!" cries a manic figure and Igor's hands force the switch back up to the vertical. The manic figure approaches the smoking slab and thrusts forward a stethoscope. Seconds tick by, until the manic figure throws back it's head ...

"IT'S ALIVE!!!"

Meanwhile, in Adelaide..

"Good morning, jackals of the media. I've got a brief statement to make and then I'll answer any of your questions that I don't slap you for. So listen up good."

A sultry red-haired woman, bristling with suppressed rage, strode purposefully up to the podium and casually kicked it in the groin.

"OK. Let's get this clear. I will not comment on Cabinet discussions. NO WAY. NEVER GONNA HAPPEN. END OF STORY. But on a lighter note let me say this. The suggestion that I opposed giving pensioners the price of a good feed once a week, or that I opposed giving parents a few bucks to stay home and play with their kid's Nintendo is a damn lie of the sort only a shit-eating political hyena would spread.."

The elegantly attired woman tightened her grip on the lectern, wood splintering away in a sprinkle of sawdust and nail polish. She cast a demure glance across the pack of reporters, paint at the back of the room beginning to blister and peel as her gaze passed.

".. And let me further say this: I'll snot the first bastard who says it to my carefully made-up face, and use his scrotum to carry my laptop in for the rest of the campaign. Like I said, cabinet discussions - NOT A SINGLE WORD. Only a toad, or more precisely, a toad's arse, would shit on that important principle, and only a gutless toad's arse would do it without 'fessing up. Not that I necessarily believe anyone has done that. I'm well aware that in the ALP no-one like that could possibly exist, or have done such a thing. Now, questions?"

"So this leak isn't political sabotage, Prime Minister?"

"Certainly not. Disaffected poltroons with no balls and no talent, going the smear and laughing to themselves while they roger my campaign couldn't possibly exist in this wonderful party we call the ALP. I'm amazed you could believe such a thing."

"Will you be ordering an enquiry into the source of the leak, Prime Minister?"

"No point, they'll be long gone now, or hiding in the shadow of Laurie Oaks, and it would take a spy-satellite to spot anyone behind that fat bastard."

"So you don't believe it's a former Prime Minister, possibly a Queenslander, who could be behind this?"

"No. Ridiculous idea. Couldn't be. Kev's too fine a man to stoop so low for sheer spite. He'd have got someone else to do it. Probably that worm Alistair Jordan. He's got nothing to do now it's back to the colouring books and crayons."

"That's quite a cynical view, isn't it, Prime Minister?"

"What are you, brain-dead? The only way to kill an ego like Rudd's is with a stake through the heart. The idiot probably thinks he can resurrect his leadership if he skewers my campaign and turns up after the dust settles looking like a popular local member."

"When he'll just look like a member, Prime Minister?"

"Nice one, Michelle, yes, a complete tool, and flaccid at that."

"So you aren't convinced the leak is genuine, Prime Minister?"

"Too right. This has all the grubby hallmarks of something Laurie Oaks has pulled out of his arse, and let's face it, you could hide the Titanic in there. It's not a leak so much as a small effulgence of wind, a passing of gas, a wee flatulent moment from the Cane Toad of Australian journalism. Next question. You there, Steven."

"Tony Abbott has announced he's cutting company tax by one and a half percent?"

"While raising it by the same amount to pay for his parental leave spend-fest. Yes, I know. It's just the old Liberal Party reach-around in a different form. Sing low taxes at you until your knickers hit carpet and then whack the increase up you from behind while promising you won't get pregnant. Or in this case, that you will get pregnant, or maybe just screwed. Who cares? Fuck him too."

"Tony Abbott has also said that you should name your cabinet now, particularly whether or not Kevin Rudd will be Foreign Minister, Prime Minister?"

"Oh for fuck's sake! What are you, his backing group? Rudd will get his just reward after this is all over, I can assure you. As for naming the front bench, I could name an empty chair as Foreign Minister and it would still have more credibility than Julie Bishop. She's a glazed expression, a haircut and a handbag who thinks she'll get permanent duty-free shopping. OK That's it. You can all piss off until I call you back."

"Um, Prime Minister, has this leak made you angry?"

"Oh God, the work-experience kid speaks. What are you, stupid? No, don't answer that, it could take all day. Let me just say this, FAAAAAARRRRKKKK!!!! I'LL MURDER THE BAAASTAARRDS!!! No, of course I'm not angry, not even miffed. I'm planning a relaxing day surrounded by you scumbags along with the quiet determination to kill something small and furry before the day is out."
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Saturday, June 26, 2010

We'll always have Copenhagen..

.18th December 2009, Copenhagen:

The tiny wheels crashed down the steps to the pavement. On the ambulance trolley a silver haired figure lay silent while all around him was noise and confusion. A dark suited figure, running alongside, raised a hand and spoke into it,

"Blue Ostrich is down! I repeat, Blue Ostrich is down!"

A reporter approached the ambulance, jostling to reach through the pack as the trolley slid noisily onboard.

"What happened Doc? Is he going to make it?"

The doctor nodded towards a sober-suited scrum of Austrayan Secret Service men.

"Ask them."

Pushing through the pack as the ambulance moved away the Danish journo tugged at the closest dark sleeve,

"Hey fellah, what happened? Was he shot? Was there an incident? Who is he?"

"'He' is the Prime Minister of Austraya. There's no incident, and I'm not a fellah.""

You're not with A.S.S?"

"What's the matter? You never seen a Chinese-Australian lesbian Senator before?"

"Umm, well, no, actually."

"Well, you bloody-well have now. Back off! That man's had just one hour of sleep in the last forty* trying to save the planet from politics, greed and self-interest. He's just burned out a few fuses that's all. Show some respect." (* true, actually)

Wong, Penny Wong.

In the meantime the Opposition, having extracted a promise from Tony Abbott not to eat any more children let him have the Leader's shiny seat, mostly on the grounds that no-one else wanted it, or didn't think quickly enough once the music had stopped.

Tony Abbott, bless him.

But they couldn't quite re-build Kev. They didn't quite have the technology. And it was more than a few fuses. When he got back to Australia he couldn't mention climate-change without breaking into a cold sweat.

"Take a holiday, old mate. Recharge the batteries" they said. "The first polls on Tony Abbott are in. He came in fourth after,

  • 1. Wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire. (50%)
  • 2. Would piss on him if he was on fire. (20%), and
  • 3. Let's set fire to Tony Abbot. (15%)
We'll call the double dissolution election for March, campaign in February and have another three years with control of the Senate."

And that was when things really got weird.

Ignoring all advice from his colleagues (pretty much as usual) he mumbled something incoherent about,

"ETS? Never heard of it. Maybe next year, or next decade, or well, y'know, later mate, fair suck of the thingy, sauced, bottlo. Get away from me. I bloody saved you from the Giant Frightening Catastrophe (GFCTM) already. Stop being mean to me. You're not my friend anymore, stupid-head. I'll work harder, yeah that's it. I'll work even more harderer than anyone's ever worked harder before, or since, or ever, ever, ever.."


"Bunnies are nice. Encouraging our young ones to have a responsible attitude to looking after furry creatures is, I think, a really good thing,"

Clearly Kev had lost his marbles, or had them pinched in the schoolyard by one of the bigger kids. He retreated more and more to the Fuhrer-bunker, doing more of the same, only louder, faster, harder. Whether it was working or not. Tony Abbott, meanwhile, stopped calling himself a liar quite as often as before, stopped parading his gonads on public beaches, put on a darker suit with more gravitas (sewn into the lining) and took up the old Tory battle-cry of,

"We're in debt! Aaahh!! Millions and billions and trillions!! Aaahh!! Aaahh!!Oh-my-gawd, we'll all be rooned! Aaahh!! Boat-people are coming to eat your children! Aaahh!! We're in even more debt! Aaahh!! Only electing me can fix it! Aaahh!! "

By mid-2010 Kev was starting to show signs of strain. As times got tougher he became increasingly autocratic and abusive, with control needs as big as all outdoors. Senior public servants would be called to meetings at 11.00 pm on a Sunday night, and abused if they said anything Kev didn't like.

Ministers who asked the wrong question would be given a cold shower in hot shit, liberally sprinkled with the f-word, the p-word, the b-word, the other b-word, and other words too naughty to give you the initial letter of. Other members of the government, like Ministers and stuff, couldn't even get his attention long enough to be abused.

Word of such crazed, obnoxious behaviour began to leak. And people began to notice. And as the fickle Australian public slowly lost faith in Kevin the Magic Pixie, Kevin the Magic Pixie got worse and worse. Stuff piled up on his desk until the daylight was blotted out and he peered out through a slit in the paperwork. He had to personally see and approve everything. No-one could be trusted! No-one! Whenever he went overseas the entire cabinet drew breath as J Gillard, (flame-haired Welsh siren of the left) took the chair and immediately began signing, approving, delegating, clearing the backlog of months.

Then the Tories outed the infamous Gang of Four. Rumoured to be running the country octuple-handed they were named as Gillard (flame-haired Welsh siren of the left), Lindsay "two-fer-a" Tanner, Swannie (How I love ya, how I love ya..) and Kevin The Magnificent. Not to be outdone the ALP also outed the infamous Gang of Four. Kevin, his Chief of Staff, Alastair Jordan and two mirrors. Outside this four-sided magic circle all was desolation, with tumbleweeds rolling across a barren landscape and the bones of policies long dead lying bleached in the sun. Parliamentary Secretaries could be seen in the distance, waving ideas in a futile attempt to make a difference, their voices too far off to be heard. Completely crapped-off they began firing in arrows wrapped in flaming resignations all with the same wording..

"I [INSERT NAME HERE] having had a gutful of being treated like an idiot; ignored, abused and pissed on from a great height will not be standing at the next election, and instead will take up bashing my head against a wall. It's been a time. Stuff you and the horse's arse you rode in on, you paranoid megalomaniac. Yours sincerely, [INSERT NAME HERE].

Still Kevin worked harder and harder, still the polls got worse and worse. Desperation is never pretty to watch. The Government, unassailable only months before looked like it could lose the next election. Journalists began asking whether Kevin the Cruel, the Unpopular, could turn back time and save the day, whether Der Fuhrer had any miracle weapons that could avert catstrophe. Well, just one, as it turned out.

A Great Big Super-Duper New Tax On Holes In The Ground (GBSDNTOHITGTM.).

At last, a winner!! With the manic brightness of the chemically enhanced Kev the Mighty would take on the Mining Industry and Win! Win! Win! It would be,

"40% of their egregiousness, non-negotiable, starting yesterday, I saw that, you can't hide anything from me! Of course we'll consult them. Matter of fact, I'm doing it now, I can do that you know, I'm in two places at once! We know where you live! Ah-Ha-Hahahah!!! "

Tax the mining industry's obscenely large profits? A good idea, maybe, but introduced as a take-it-or-leave-it macho piece of nonsense, picking a fight with the deepest pockets in the country? Not so clever.

Then came the last act of the Keverdammerung.

Taking careful aim, he drew a bead on his deputy, and shot his foot off.

For months Julia Gillard (flame-haired Welsh siren of the left) had been watching her popularity rise as Kev's fell and Tony Abbot's set the benchmark for self-confessed liars with only a fear campaign as a policy. For weeks as the PM twisted in the wind she laughed off, swept aside and cheerily rebuffed all attempts to cast her as the next PM. Until last week when it became horribly apparent how that loyalty was viewed by its chief beneficiary. When the PM, Kevin The Magnificent had his Chief of Staff do a head count in the Labor caucus to see if his boss could hold off a Gillard (flame-haired Welsh siren of the left) challenge.

When she found out about this she was furious. Her honesty and integrity were being impugned (and no-one likes that). She, Julia Gillard (flame-haired Welsh siren of the left), ever the devoted deputy. Shrugging off the press, sidestepping the factional number-crunchers, ever willing to back up her boss no matter how loopy he was becoming.

Bill Shorten, I think it was, who informed her that he had switched his support (an old jock-strap containg the whole of the Labor Right) from Kevin to her, that crisp Canberra evening last week.

I don't know which factional leader was quoted excoriating Rudd,

"This crypto-fascist made no effort to build a base in the party. Now that his only faction, Newspoll, has deserted him he is gone."

But once he had repaid loyalty with suspicion Kevin had pulled the temple down on himself.

"Blue Ostrich is down! I repeat, Blue Ostrich is down!"


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Saturday, May 15, 2010

Raven Gold

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This week I are been mostly reading .. Damon Runyon.

Ravens are smart birds, clue-some, thoughtful, without a doubt birds of high intellect. It's well known in this burg that I favour Magpies, these characters being sociable as well as smart, and having more than enough brain to deal with the run of human traffic that comes their way, but Ravens is smarter still. Currawongs are plentiful, but don't have any more nous than a lizard, and not one which changes colour either, which is a neat trick if you can pull it off, but requires no more than good taste or good timing, a trait which ain't often seen in the same company.

Now most people will cite Owls as having the market cornered on thoughtful consideration in the avian academe, but this is in no way the facts, occupied mostly as they are in eating mice and coughing up the bones, which is a poor way to make up a lifetime's work and a disgusting diet. It seems to me that this and big eyes is no smarter than a mousetrap, with or without the cheese and the eternal question 'who?'. Eagles too is overrated, being mostly muscle and beak and a fast turn of speed on the drop. They may look grand in a 'proud and noble king of the skies' kind of way, but they don't display a capacity for cogitating beyond knowing to drop a turtle from forty feet to crack the pie.


Mister Magnus

No, it's Ravens that have the full thimble, the tight-packed noggin, the little grey cells full of lighting and fire. It's sometimes more than is strictly speaking useful, in point of fact, which example we'll consider later. But it's being unpopular that makes it so. Glossy blue-black, with an eye of pale blue and a ruffled shirtfront is very stylish, which suggests an appreciation of the importance of a professional appearance. But hangman's black upsets a lot of folk, being the implications of which tends to crowd out a natural sympathy. So being naturally feared for the associations of their attire, and loudly condemned by smaller fry in fear of egg-stealing and cradle-cracking, and generally looked askance at by the citizens, the Raven is given to contemplation of the cruel fate of being tarred and feathered, as it were, by notoriety before they even speak.

Ravens is such a noble animal that they for the most part accepts the bad moniker without much complaint, expecting to be misunderstood as the natural order of things. But they thinks a great deal, having the spare time and all, and talks to each other with great subtlety, philosophising on the bleak nature of existence, the insensitive nature of smaller birds with smaller minds, and the possibilities of a raven culture with the advantage of opposable thumbs, or claws that could carry through on the making of suitable tools to create said raven utopia. Also they likes shiny things, not unlike humans, who are given the thumbs and the brains, but rarely the capacity for such sober intellectualising.

Which is why it should come as no surprise to see a Raven with a shiny, gold two-dollar piece in his beak. Magnus the Great, being the larger of the two local owner-occupiers, turned up this evening with same and was careful to look after said same while conducting the delicate negotiations of human to Raven pan-handling. Which is a notable trick for a ravenous bird. He first performed the superior pose on the rafters of the veranda, followed by the searching gaze within to find the meat provider. When the preparations for meat offering seemed to be reaching fruition he then performed the spring-heeled long-hop from rafter to rafter both forwards and back, signifying to other, lesser avians their inability to conjure meat from humans, and the right of exclusive passage of the veranda's environs for the duration of the meal as the sole prerogative of Magnus and his ever-loving spouse.


Mister Magnus & Spouse

Mister M took great care in placing the gold coin on the roof-tiles, and in reappropriating it once the meat-missile was snapped up and transferred to the crop. There was, naturally, the usual truculence from the Currawong crew, eager to dispute the rules but unable to think through what they might be, and therefore clamouring without a clear argument, and thus to no avail and no dinner. But Mister Magnus was all show and all shilling, and would brook no appeals for generosity. His message seemed to be that life was all opportunity to them that can see it, and that money may be about to fall from the skies, so it would be well to have a bucket handy to catch said moolah. Money is in the offing, he said. You are hereby informed. Take up the gold wherever you find it.

Beyond that there was no sign on his part that he had no means of spending said coin, or what a Raven would buy, or from whomsoever he would buy it, and it was reasoned therefore that while we humans may have the shopping facilities and the purses and wallets, we weren't the only ones who knew the value of a thing.

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Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Lawks! Yer Lordship!

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The Judge told my father he was headed for an institution, in specific, Kingswood Approved School, a grim post-Victorian halfway-house between slum-street delinquency and borstal, the hardcore prison for the under-aged. As it turned out he was prescient, rather than deterministic. He didn't send Pater off to the place, hauled up before the majesty of the court yet again though he was. And it took a very long time for his promise to reach fruition.

I've been reading Dorothy L Sayers recently, as you will no doubt have deduced from the strangulated English of the 1930s that I am currently employing; and which I am currently attempting to exorcise before I become a parody of the English manners I learnt at my horribly decent boarding school. Rather!

Having waded through several of Ms Sayers novels arm-in-arm with Lord Peter Wimsey, (who is now a bosom-chum!) I have learnt a little more about the nature of England as she was before I left her, and about the ideas and actions which formed my own peculiar character. Lord Peter is endlessly engaging for someone like me, the epitome of the languid, sensitive, driven to 'noble action masquerading as disinterested foible' nature of the true gentleman amateur. A thoroughly well-written picture of the archetype around which I formed my ideal self at the tender age of fourteen, closeted as I was with the rugger-buggers, reactionaries, bumptious bores, and sad, mad academic gown-wearers at one's Alma Mater. But it's the unintended revelations in Sayers' world that betray the truth.

The casual anti-Semitism of the ruling class I can cope with, it's all-of-a-piece with the narcissistic Anglophilia of the Last Days of the Raj. Obviously it's objectionable and the Jews in Sayers' novels are all little more than Shylock updated from Shakespeare's original; moneyed, grasping, demimondaine. Unpleasant, but not particularly surprising. rather like finding the Colonel has been schtupping the scullery-maid in the billiard-room.

"Man's a complete bounder, of course, but then the family has never quite been top-drawer, if you catch my drift. Awful row in the mess, of course, when it all came out. Pink-Gin anyone?"

True again, all the culprits ('perpetrator' is so-oo 1980s) are either grubby, urban working-class professional sharpers,

"Fair-enough, Guv! Got me bang-to-rights this time, Hur, hur, hur!! It's off to the nick for me, orl-right!"

Or disaffected straw-chewing yokels whose base-villainy is betrayed by their wicked refusal to bow to their betters,

"What's a forelock for if not for tugging? Eh? What? Ought to be flogged for it!"

Or failed middle-class social climbers; the Captain but never the Major; the tiresome 'type' who wears too much cologne at the Club; the seedy wastrel who cheats at cards. The upper crust may have its doughy specimens but in Sayers world they are there because they are descended from a very High-Anglican God indeed. And if He's not in His Heaven They at least are setting a good example for the rest of us.

"Yes, but God was working to a very tight time-frame, Marjorie, and he clearly didn't have enough money to make a thorough job of it to begin with. Another bun, Vicar?"

No, I can stand all that. Even allow myself the odd sentimental moment as I contemplate the inner-turmoil of the (clearly auto-biographical) Harriet Vane as she wends her sad, self-obsessed, gaudily neurotic way to true lurve with the sainted Lord Peter. After all, the woman does write well, and the plots, while ludicrously byzantine on occasion, do provide escape for my fevered brain in its efforts to avoid thinking about actually doing some work. And in comparison to the recent ABC TV horror of Hugh Laurie playing Bertie Wooster to Stephen Fry's Jeeves it's positively uplifting.

No, in the end it's the casual violence against children that makes me, well, dash-it-all, rather cross, not to mention in a snit, a tizzy and a febrile stew, damnit!

"I say! I mean, steady on! Stiff letter to The Times, doncha-know!!"

In a short story published long after the Peter Wimsey-Harriet Vane nuptials the happy couple are ensconced en-famille with their brood and a tiresome house-guest, Miss Quirk. This childless woman is a straw-man in sensible shoes, existing only to pontificate in absurd terms about the absolute necessity of 'permissive' child-rearing. This meaning no limits, no control, no thought, no management, no rationale, no moral instruction or suppressin' of the little beasts' instincts and, above all, no beatings.

La Q takes umbrage from silliness into high-dudgeon when the eldest Wimsey child gets three strokes of the cane from his doting Papa for 'scrumping' pears from a local worthy, ie: a yokel of the fore-lock tugging type. After a lecture from Harriet on suiting the beating to the temperament of the child the offensive Miss Q is confounded and ritually humiliated. Happiness ensues.

"Dashed clever, doncha-know! Woman had it coming to her. Can't stand these know-it-all spinster types, with their interferin' ways! All down to hysteria really. Sexually-frustrated, very sad, probably down to that fellow Freud, mustn't be too hard on them, can't really help themselves, what?"

As an argument for the judicious use of violence it's typical of the time, and is deployed with all the logic, charm and crushing superiority Vane/Sayers can muster. It's a shabby trick, and obvious too. Write the opinion you dislike in the most extreme terms, to the point of ludicrous stereotype if possible, and then knock it down with grace, understated charm and nasty results. It neatly encapsulates the last days of the British Empire during the great 'golden age' of the 1930s: Casual racism, snobbery, self-congratulation, smug superiority based on the hidden language of violent domination.

"I say, chap sounds like one of those awful Bolshies!"

Which brings me back to my starting point. My father was 14 when the Judge gave him the hard word. My father was a very tough kid, violent, difficult, a 'right little tearaway'. Growing up during the war inured him to violence. Given that his family were bombed out of their home three times, he can be forgiven for thinking that Hitler had it in for him personally. But he had a mother who knew that you didn't beat your children, it just made things worse, and she wasn't having it. When the Police arrived to drag him up before the beak one fatal, final time she kept them talking at the door while he jumped the back fence and ran away to sea.

Ten years later he came home and married my mother and was an incredibly gentle, loving father who never raised a hand against any child, wouldn't countenance it being done by anyone. Ten years later he finally arrived at Kingswood School as a social-worker with a rare talent for dealing with difficult, troubled teenage boys. He understood them. He'd been one. Quite without the inbred moral superiority of the upper class he created himself as a mature adult by sheer force of will. He wasn't perfect, but he was the example I had for being a father. My children were never beaten, smacked, spanked or anything like it. That's not how you grow capable, confident, self-possessed children. It's stupid and unnecessary.

Suzie is studying Social Work, like her Grandad. Nell's about to start her Politics degree.

I'm immensely proud of both of them. My word, yes!

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Saturday, March 13, 2010

Happy Birthday!

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Did you ever have one of those conversations where someone says something that leaves you stumped for an answer, and then an hour, or maybe a day later the perfect reply pops into your head, only by now it's way too late to say it? That happened to me recently, only I'm a bit slower than most. I had my 'Eureka!' moment but the conversation took place seventeen years ago.

"Ah-ha!" I thought. "That's what I should have said!"

The conversation was with an Anglican Bishop in Brisbane. We were talking about internet predators and the presence of evil on the intertube. I was saying that there seemed to me to be a whole lot of activity on the 'evil' side, but no sign of God or his angels, and could the Bishop perhaps have a word?

"But," said the Bishop, with a professionally seraphic smile, "has it occurred to that God might already be there?"

I was stumped. It was such a bald statement of faith from someone with the right credentials to make it that I dried up. Couldn't say a word. There was something missing, I could tell, but what it was I couldn't put my finger on. Until two weeks ago. When the stunning reply came. (I may be slow, but I get there in the end)

"No. God wasn't in the internet from the beginning. It wasn't part of the whole omnipresence thing. God has a mechanism for things like the web. He works through localised centres of consciousness and spiritual grace. These are called people."

I was well chuffed, but it was probably too late to ring up and say "Ah-ha!" Besides which the acronym, L.C.O.C.A.S.G doesn't exactly roll off the tongue. So I tucked it away with all the other brilliant things I never said. Until I got an email from a friend which tells the story of two L.C.O.C.A.S.Gs/people. One is one of the finest men I've ever known, proving it's what you do that best shows what you are. The other is a young lady who really knows how to make an entrance.

XX@yahoo.com-to-ldk@blah.com

Picture the scene:

South east Queensland, tropical deluge. Heavily gravid wife starts "pottering" at 2:30 am. "Do we need to take you to the hospital?" "Nah, I'm fine"

4:00 am. The rain is coming down, going back up twelve feet, then coming down again. "I'm a bit uncomfortable" "How often are you uncomfortable" "About once every 40 minutes. It's probably on today. Hours to go, though."

5:00 am. The rain is letting up so that more, heavier rain can come. The sky is lightening. "No worries, devoted husband - we'll get the boy to before- school-care and keep going on to the hospital. Laughing"

6:05 am. Rain is down to a Queensland drizzle (high chance of drowning). "It's uncomfortable every half hour or so, for about ten seconds" "OK, everyone in the car"

6:10 am. Rain eases. "Uncomfortable" suddenly goes from every 30 minutes to every three minutes. "Uncomfortable" seems be becoming "Quite Uncomfortable".

6:11 am. Brisbane northside traffic goes into total gridlock. Dutiful husband's eyes widen, ever so slightly. Driving becomes a tad assertive. Boy is told we're going straight to hospital - he's got the day off school. Happy lad returns to playing portable game console.

7:30 am. Rain is now blatter. What should have been a 35 minute off-peak/50 minute peak car trip to the hospital is now well over the hour mark and dead slow. Second alarmed phone call is made to maternity ward. "Quite uncomfortable" has become "Ohmypherkingod", and is occurring at a rate that would scare a thrash drummer on ephedrine.

7:36 am. Car suddenly veers out of line of line of traffic to the side of Jubilee Terrace, Red Hill. Dutiful husband leaps from vehicle and goes to passenger side. A remote midwife barks very useful instructions out of the mobile phone.

7:38 am. Bellowing wife and dutiful husband bring Emiliana Catherine into the world. (Huzzah!)

7:41 am. Dutiful husband ties off umbilicus with a shoe lace.

7:48 am. Ambulance that had been despatched by hospital arrives at the side of Jubilee Terrace (it had been caught in traffic, too).
Mother and daughter doing beautifully. Father (having been treated like a minor god in the maternity ward) now at home and eyeing the vodka bottle in a remorseless fashion.

Does anybody know a good car detailer?

.o0o.

PS: Congratulations Mum!

.o0o.
.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Full speed ahead and torp the damn pedoes!

..
My last blog was an open letter to Senator Stephen Conroy, asking, nay, imploring his Ministerial-ness to give up the misguided and ill-conceived Internet Censorship Behemoth. Recently I received a pdf file in reply outlining what the Minister will be doing which is basically ‘Full speed ahead!’, and ignoring my concerns. No surprises there.

Since then I’ve tracked down the email addresses of every Government Senator and MHR and informed them of my opposition to the ‘Damn-Fool-Scheme-That-Should-Have-Never-Got-Past-The-Idea-Stage’, and that I would be voting against the government in the Senate at the coming election. But, to paraphrase Bob Menzies, it’s easy for politicians to ignore a few emails, until they get a few thousand on the same subject. So here’s your opportunity to give the Government a few thousand of yours.

Below is the list. The only address I don’t have is Kevin’s.

Feel free to email these people. An email titled,

A Senate Vote you will lose at the next election.

I will be voting against the Labor government in the Senate at the coming election because I am opposed to Senator Conroy’s unworkable, ill-advised Internet Censorship Legislation. I will be encouraging everyone I can to do the same until the legislation is scrapped.

Your sincerely, etc

Probably would grab their attention. Feel free to cut and paste.

In the meantime I’ve been thinking about predatory internet users and a conversation I had with a Bishop some years back. I’ll be publishing a blog on that soon, right here.


senator.arbib@aph.gov.au,
senator.bilyk@aph.gov.au,
senator.bishop@aph.gov.au,
senator.carol.brown@aph.gov.au,
senator.cameron@aph.gov.au,
senator.carr@aph.gov.au,
senator.collins@aph.gov.au,
senator.evans@aph.gov.au,
senator.crossin@aph.gov.au,
senator.conroy@aph.gov.au,
senator.farrell@aph.gov.au,
senator.faulkner@aph.gov.au,
senator.feeney@aph.gov.au,
senator.forshaw@aph.gov.au,
senator.furner@aph.gov.au,
senator.hogg@aph.gov.au,
senator.hurley@aph.gov.au,
senator.hutchins@aph.gov.au,
senator.ludwig@aph.gov.au,
senator.lundy@aph.gov.au,
senator.mcewen@aph.gov.au,
senator.mclucas@aph.gov.au,
senator.marshall@aph.gov.au,
senator.moore@aph.gov.au,
senator.obrien@aph.gov.au,
senator.polley@aph.gov.au,
senator.pratt@aph.gov.au,
senator.sherry@aph.gov.au,
senator.stephens@aph.gov.au,
senator.sterle@aph.gov.au,
senator.wong@aph.gov.au,
senator.wortley@aph.gov.au

Julia.Gillard.MP@aph.gov.au,
Tony.Zappia.MP@aph.gov.au,
D.Adams.MP@aph.gov.au,
A.Albanese.MP@aph.gov.au,
Arch.Bevis.MP@aph.gov.au,
James.Bidgood.MP@aph.gov.au,
Sharon.Bird.MP@aph.gov.au,
Chris.Bowen.MP@aph.gov.au,
David.Bradbury.MP@aph.gov.au,
Anna.Burke.MP@aph.gov.au,
Tony.Burke.MP@aph.gov.au,
Mark.Butler.MP@aph.gov.au,
Anthony.Byrne.MP@aph.gov.au,
Jodie.Campbell.MP@aph.gov.au,
Nick.Champion.MP@aph.gov.au,
Darren.Cheeseman.MP@aph.gov.au,
Jason.Clare.MP@aph.gov.au,
Julie.Collins.MP@aph.gov.au,
Greg.Combet.MP@aph.gov.au,
S.Crean.MP@aph.gov.au,
Michael.Danby.MP@aph.gov.au,
Yvette.D'Ath.MP@aph.gov.au,
Bob.Debus.MP@aph.gov.au,
Mark.Dreyfus.MP@aph.gov.au,
Justine.Elliot.MP@aph.gov.au,
Annette.Ellis.MP@aph.gov.au,
Kate.Ellis.MP@aph.gov.au,
Craig.Emerson.MP@aph.gov.au,
Laurie.Ferguson.MP@aph.gov.au,
Martin.Ferguson.MP@aph.gov.au,
J.Fitzgibbon.MP@aph.gov.au,
Peter.Garrett.MP@aph.gov.au,
Steve.Georganas.MP@aph.gov.au,
Steve.Gibbons.MP@aph.gov.au,
Gary.Gray.MP@aph.gov.au,
Sharon.Grierson.MP@aph.gov.au,
Alan.Griffin.MP@aph.gov.au,
Damian.Hale.MP@aph.gov.au,
Jill.Hall.MP@aph.gov.au,
Chris.Hayes.MP@aph.gov.au,
Julia.Irwin.MP@aph.gov.au,
Sharryn.Jackson.MP@aph.gov.au,
Harry.Jenkins.MP@aph.gov.au,
Mike.Kelly.MP@aph.gov.au,
Duncan.Kerr.MP@aph.gov.au,
Catherine.King.MP@aph.gov.au,
Kirsten.Livermore.MP@aph.gov.au,
JMacklin.MP@aph.gov.au,
Richard.Marles.MP@aph.gov.au,
R.McClelland.MP@aph.gov.au,
Maxine.McKew.MP@aph.gov.au,
Bob.McMullan.MP@aph.gov.au,
D.Melham.MP@aph.gov.au,
John.Murphy.MP@aph.gov.au,
Belinda.Neal.MP@aph.gov.au,
Shayne.Neumann.MP@aph.gov.au,
Brendan.O'Connor.MP@aph.gov.au,
Julie.Owens.MP@aph.gov.au,
mparke.mp@aph.gov.au,
Graham.Perrett.MP@aph.gov.au,
Tanya.Plibersek.MP@aph.gov.au,
Rogerpricemp@aph.gov.au,
Don.Randall.MP@aph.gov.au,
Bonner.eo@aph.gov.au,
Bernie.Ripoll.MP@aph.gov.au,
Amanda.Rishworth.MP@aph.gov.au,
Nicola.Roxon.MP@aph.gov.au,
Janelle.Saffin.MP@aph.gov.au,
Bill.Shorten.MP@aph.gov.au,
Sid.Sidebottom.MP@aph.gov.au,
Stephen.Smith.MP@aph.gov.au,
Warren.Snowdon.MP@aph.gov.au,
Jon.Sullivan.MP@aph.gov.au,
Wayne.Swan.MP@aph.gov.au,
Mike.Symon.MP@aph.gov.au,
Lindsay.Tanner.MP@aph.gov.au,
Craig.Thomson.MP@aph.gov.au,
Kelvin.Thomson.MP@aph.gov.au,
Chris.Trevor.MP@aph.gov.au,
Jim.Turnour.MP@aph.gov.au,
Maria.Vamvakinou.MP@aph.gov.au


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